damned to mediocricy.

So, no school. Five days of sleeping in and doing whatever I want. Sounds great, right? Well, it's not that great. Not when none of your friends talk to you, and the only person who actually seems to care to see you is out of town.

I have successfully spent two days playing pokemon. So much, in fact, that I only have one person left in the entire game to beat. I understand that that's horribly pathetic, but i don't even care. It's the only comfort i've really had all break. That and talking to one single friend, who actually is really awesome and will listen to me. Which is refreshing because i don't have anybody around me that does that.

This dumb break has reminded me why i got into writing in the first place; to express my feelings because i know that nobody around me will ever listen to them. That's just a fact of life i have accepted. I am the person who listens to everyone's problems, no matter if i want to or not. I am the person who is expected to be perfectly flawless every second of forever so that people feel there is still hope in their life. But finally i just want to look every single one of them in the eyes and say that the world doesn't freaking revolve around you. You are not the only person in life with problems, and maybe you shoudl care about somebody else for once. I'm sick fo sitting here and being used by people. None of my friends ever invite me anywhere, or ever care about my feelings, and i'm really really sick of it. Don't call yourself my friends unless you're here when i'm down too. Because what i am to everyone now is just dumping grounds, nothing more.

So i write.I make my characters have the people i wish i had in my life. I make them happy and wanted and loved. I put conflict in their lives and help them overcome it, and reward them with happiness. And with every word i write on the page, i wonder when i will get to overcome the mediocre role i have been thrust into, and when i will be rewarded with my happiness. Because there are very few places in my life where i can be myself and feel like that's ok. There are very very few people who know the real me, and allow me to be that person. And those are the people i couldn't get through life without.

I wonder every single day what i did to make life like this? Did i secretly piss everyone off, but they only keep me around so that they have someone to constantly whine to? Or am i just not a likable person? For once i want someone to call me out on the fact that i'm lying about being ok, and ask what's really wrong. I know everyone sees it, they just don't care enough to make me talk about it. Only the people who really love me know when i'm on the verge of tears, even though i have a smile on my face. And you know, over the years my fake smile has become far too convincing. It's sick and unhealthy.

But i don't want to be alone. I want to be surrounded by people, and that's why i never do anything about it. I continue to listen to everyone whine about all their problems, and i continue to hide away any real emotion i feel. Just as long as i'm not alone. As long as i can tell myself i'm liked, because i have people around me, i can get through the day. And i think that slowly those real emotions of mine are dying. And soon it won't be a fake smile anymore. I will have convinced myself that this role is myself, and the real jenny will die. And the few people who actually loved me will probably go along with it.

I just have to say it! No, people, I'm not with james even half as often as you think. Once during the week and every other weekend. I'm not with him ever waking second, though thanks for trying to always make me feel terrible about that. And if i were it'd be because i actually feel like i'm accepted by him. So if i spend all my time with other people, it's because you guys pushed me away. you treated me terrible and made me hate myself. And I don't know how much longer i can accept that. I am actually my own person with my own feelings and for once i'd love it if anyone listened to me when i was upset.

I want a best friend who i can tell my secrets to, laugh at inside jokes with, and spend late nights gossiping with. I hate the superficial relationships i'm in with people, and I just want out. I want out of this boring city, this dismal, unpredictable state, and this horrible mediocre life i've been damned into. But I know there's no way out. And by saying all this i've burned every bridge i had. I've probably ruined the friendships i did have, even if they could have improved a little.

And all this isn't to say that my friends don't mean anything to me. They mean EVERYTHING to me. I love listening to people and helping them with their problems. That's not what's wrong. What's wrong is that nobody will ever listen to me. And yes, i admit everything up there is really harsh and mean, and actually a bit exaggerated. But it made me feel better. And to any of my friends who read this, i apologize wholeheartedly for being such a bitch. But im fed up with life today, and I don't have anybody I can talk about it to.

So that's my fun break. Wonderful, right? Now I'm going to continue writing out the life i wish i had, and playing pokemon. And next time I see my friends i'm going to smile and laugh like nothing's the matter. And even though they probably know something's wrong, we'll never talk about it, and this life will continue as it once was. And in a way, that's almost comforting. As long as anybody who reads this forgives me for being so mean...