damned to mediocricy.

So, no school. Five days of sleeping in and doing whatever I want. Sounds great, right? Well, it's not that great. Not when none of your friends talk to you, and the only person who actually seems to care to see you is out of town.

I have successfully spent two days playing pokemon. So much, in fact, that I only have one person left in the entire game to beat. I understand that that's horribly pathetic, but i don't even care. It's the only comfort i've really had all break. That and talking to one single friend, who actually is really awesome and will listen to me. Which is refreshing because i don't have anybody around me that does that.

This dumb break has reminded me why i got into writing in the first place; to express my feelings because i know that nobody around me will ever listen to them. That's just a fact of life i have accepted. I am the person who listens to everyone's problems, no matter if i want to or not. I am the person who is expected to be perfectly flawless every second of forever so that people feel there is still hope in their life. But finally i just want to look every single one of them in the eyes and say that the world doesn't freaking revolve around you. You are not the only person in life with problems, and maybe you shoudl care about somebody else for once. I'm sick fo sitting here and being used by people. None of my friends ever invite me anywhere, or ever care about my feelings, and i'm really really sick of it. Don't call yourself my friends unless you're here when i'm down too. Because what i am to everyone now is just dumping grounds, nothing more.

So i write.I make my characters have the people i wish i had in my life. I make them happy and wanted and loved. I put conflict in their lives and help them overcome it, and reward them with happiness. And with every word i write on the page, i wonder when i will get to overcome the mediocre role i have been thrust into, and when i will be rewarded with my happiness. Because there are very few places in my life where i can be myself and feel like that's ok. There are very very few people who know the real me, and allow me to be that person. And those are the people i couldn't get through life without.

I wonder every single day what i did to make life like this? Did i secretly piss everyone off, but they only keep me around so that they have someone to constantly whine to? Or am i just not a likable person? For once i want someone to call me out on the fact that i'm lying about being ok, and ask what's really wrong. I know everyone sees it, they just don't care enough to make me talk about it. Only the people who really love me know when i'm on the verge of tears, even though i have a smile on my face. And you know, over the years my fake smile has become far too convincing. It's sick and unhealthy.

But i don't want to be alone. I want to be surrounded by people, and that's why i never do anything about it. I continue to listen to everyone whine about all their problems, and i continue to hide away any real emotion i feel. Just as long as i'm not alone. As long as i can tell myself i'm liked, because i have people around me, i can get through the day. And i think that slowly those real emotions of mine are dying. And soon it won't be a fake smile anymore. I will have convinced myself that this role is myself, and the real jenny will die. And the few people who actually loved me will probably go along with it.

I just have to say it! No, people, I'm not with james even half as often as you think. Once during the week and every other weekend. I'm not with him ever waking second, though thanks for trying to always make me feel terrible about that. And if i were it'd be because i actually feel like i'm accepted by him. So if i spend all my time with other people, it's because you guys pushed me away. you treated me terrible and made me hate myself. And I don't know how much longer i can accept that. I am actually my own person with my own feelings and for once i'd love it if anyone listened to me when i was upset.

I want a best friend who i can tell my secrets to, laugh at inside jokes with, and spend late nights gossiping with. I hate the superficial relationships i'm in with people, and I just want out. I want out of this boring city, this dismal, unpredictable state, and this horrible mediocre life i've been damned into. But I know there's no way out. And by saying all this i've burned every bridge i had. I've probably ruined the friendships i did have, even if they could have improved a little.

And all this isn't to say that my friends don't mean anything to me. They mean EVERYTHING to me. I love listening to people and helping them with their problems. That's not what's wrong. What's wrong is that nobody will ever listen to me. And yes, i admit everything up there is really harsh and mean, and actually a bit exaggerated. But it made me feel better. And to any of my friends who read this, i apologize wholeheartedly for being such a bitch. But im fed up with life today, and I don't have anybody I can talk about it to.

So that's my fun break. Wonderful, right? Now I'm going to continue writing out the life i wish i had, and playing pokemon. And next time I see my friends i'm going to smile and laugh like nothing's the matter. And even though they probably know something's wrong, we'll never talk about it, and this life will continue as it once was. And in a way, that's almost comforting. As long as anybody who reads this forgives me for being so mean...

Dissmal Places and Wornout Dreams

So i'm reading a book about the death penalty for english, and I have become oddly fond of it. Like, i really really really enjoyed reading the part of it i read tonight, and i look forward to reading more. i find the topic incredibly interesting, and these authors are actually really good. They organize things in a way that is clear and easy to understand, and both have amazing points. I'm just very caught up in the reading, and it's crazy. I never thought i'd like a research project i had to do for english!

This day was like the worst school day ever. I swear to god every single hour took like 5 weeks to finish. Every teacher took like a minute to pronounce each syllable, and i was just ready to shoot myself in the head. I would have enjoyed that, actually. Needless to say, I did not enjoy the school part of my day. Not that i ever do, just less that usual today. :[

I did enjoy my random trip to the library, and seeing James. That was unexpected, but very nice. It put my day back on course. So overall my day ends about about a 6. Seeing James pushes is just above half. :D

Alright well i have to go straighten my hair and such, cause i haven't done that in ages and i actually feel like looking kind of nice tomorrow. What a concept, huh?

In, Out;; Don't forget to breathe

Well i have, saddly, spent the last three days or so hopelessly sick. It's been horrible for the most part, but it has had it's upsides. I spent a decent amount of time on friday doing some, how should i put it, "soul searching". I've learned a lot of things about myself, and come to realize that even some of my closest friends don't know me that well.

It was a hard thing to do and face, but it was the best thing i could have done and i feel so much better. I feel like i know myself better, and i'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin. I think everybody needs to take some time to sit down and face the things they don't want to. Bottling it inside is no good. And you can't expect everyone else to fix your problems for you, you have to face them yourself.

Other than realizing who i really am, my weekend has been uneventful. Thankfully i'm beginning to feel better now, and i will have no problem going to school tomorrow. I definitely missed seeing my friends this weekend, and am looking very forward to seeing them tomorrow. I'm also incredibly thankful to be feeling better. It was not a good weekend for me.

Also, over the weekend, i've really gained my inspiration back. The story i'm currently writing, Running from Demons, has gained a very special place in my heart. It's the first story i've written that flows the way i want it to and actually seems believable. I really really love it, and i think it has amazing potential. I think i am actually going to finish this story, 100%, all the way to the last chapter. And that thought makes me feel amazing.

I've never kept with a story till the very end. I always lose inspiration. But not this time. I can just feel it, this is it. Maybe this can be the one that i actually get somewhere with. Because I want nothing more than to get a book published. One of my life's goals, for sure.

Well, i guess I have nothing else really left to say. So back to another list of goals;;
1. Finish all my homework before class tomorrow
2. Continue thinking of witty titles
3. Actually update this thing
4. Write at least two chapters of my book every week
5. Open up and be the real me with my friends
6. Don't be afraid to get hurt;; it'll only make me stronger
7. Stop being sick!

Dreams; Fantasies; Reality

I have come to decide that at most points in my life i would much rather be a character in one of the stories i write, i nstead of here in the real world. I find that my writing style tends to be opposite of my mood. No, I take that back. My style tends to lean mostly towards the negative. Though I can't fathom writing something with a terrible ending, I like to put a lot of drama, suspense and dissappointment in the middle. I mean, that's the only way a book is truly interesting, yes?

I have also decided that I could never write a character as amazing as any of the people I know in real life. Try as i might to model them after my closest friends, my characters just never give off the same charm as my friends. I don't know why. I assume it is because there is just a little something to each of my friends that i can't put my finger on, therefore i cannot create a character to model that. I aspire to be able to write such believable characters.

One other thing i have decided is that i hate books that are realistic. Like, really? I live life, and i find it to be pretty realistic. I don't want to read another story about someone who has a life similar to mine. Forget the fact that I can relate to them! I don't want to. I want to come across a character who has a cool power, or leads some exceptionally exciting life. Then you will have me intereted. I don't want to read my own life on paper. I want to read something cool; something so unrealistic i can't help but believe it; something i could never experience in a million years. I mean, that's the point of reading ins't it? To experience things you can't on you own.

How do people get by in life without friends? Like those kids that just sit alone at lunch? How do they manage? I could not survive a day without my friends. Like today, i was depressed. And one of my best friends spent all of lunch making stupid jokes and stuff just to cheer me up! Otherwise i wouldn't laid on the table and not moved, not even to go back to class. The fact that my friends care about me and love me is one of the single things that makes every day bearable. Because, to be honest, school does not do it for me.

Now, some current goals:

-Finish typing up the chapter of my book
-Begin writing the next chapter
-Wake up on time tomorrow
-Come up with a witty title for every blog entry i have
-Smile at someone i don't usually smile at tomorrow
-Laugh and get out of my terrible mood
-Cheer up, just in general.
-Get the next book so i can keep reading!!!!